Denver’s new ‘express’ pedestrian lane.
What Happened
A pedestrian was tragically killed after being struck by a Frontier Airlines plane that was taking off from Denver International Airport. Authorities are investigating the circumstances surrounding the incident.
Our Take
Alright, alright, settle down folks! You know, every morning I wake up and think, ‘What fresh absurdity will the universe throw at us today?’ And then I read headlines like ‘Pedestrian killed after being struck by Frontier Airlines plane taking off in Denver,’ and I realize the universe has a darker sense of humor than I do. Seriously, ‘pedestrian’? On a runway? Was he just, like, out for a casual jog? ‘Lovely day for a stroll, honey, just gonna pop down the main runway, clear my head, maybe grab a croissant from the duty-free shop at 30,000 feet.’ I picture him, headphones on, probably listening to a podcast about mindfulness, completely zen, until – *WHOOSH* – ‘Oh, is that a tailwind, or did I just get a new haircut?’
And Frontier Airlines, bless their budget-friendly hearts. You know they’re probably already calculating the baggage fees for the pedestrian’s remains. ‘Sir, your remains are over the weight limit. That’ll be fifty dollars per limb.’ And the pilot! I imagine him in the cockpit, sipping his coffee, ‘Hmm, felt a slight bump. Probably just turbulence. Or maybe I hit that annoying pigeon again. Larry, did you remember to sweep the runway for stray existential crises?’
This isn’t just a headline, people, it’s a social commentary! It’s the ultimate expression of our modern multitasking madness. ‘Can’t miss my flight, but also gotta get my 10,000 steps in!’ It’s like when you’re trying to merge onto the highway, and someone’s waving at you from the slow lane, but they’re also holding a giant sign that says ‘I AM THE HIGHWAY.’
I bet there’s a secret airport employee handbook that has a chapter titled, ‘Unplanned Runway Encounters: A Guide for the Perplexed.’ Chapter one: ‘Did they have a boarding pass? If so, upgrade them to first class for the ultimate ironic experience.’ Chapter two: ‘Check for dropped snacks. Free snacks are still free snacks, even if they’ve been run over by a 737.’
Honestly, I’m just waiting for the next headline: ‘Fisherman accidentally reels in a submarine during a calm afternoon on the lake.’ Or ‘Astronaut discovers new planet, immediately gets parking ticket.’ Because at this point, nothing surprises me. Except maybe a pedestrian successfully navigating a runway without incident. That would truly be breaking news.
So next time you’re at the airport, folks, just a friendly reminder: stick to the designated walkways. Unless you’re trying to set a new personal best for ‘fastest way to get off the airport premises.’ Then, by all means, go for a jog. Just maybe, you know, wear a reflective vest. And bring a really, really loud whistle. And maybe a parachute. You never know when you might need it for a sudden, unscheduled departure… from reality!
💬 “MY KALE!” — 💬 “Oops, almost forgot my latte!”
Inspired by: Pedestrian killed after being struck by Frontier Airlines plane taking off in Denver – PBS
