To the moon, for tenure!
What Happened
A federal judge ruled against the Department of Education’s (DOGE) decision to eliminate humanities grants, finding the move ‘unlawful’. This decision highlights ongoing legal battles and political tensions surrounding the funding and support for humanities programs.
Our Take
Alright, folks, gather ’round, because if you thought 2024 couldn’t get any weirder, hold my artisanal kombucha. We’ve got a federal judge, a virtual dog, and the entire future of humanities all rolled into one glorious, absurd headline: ‘Federal judge finds DOGE’s elimination of humanities grants “unlawful”‘. I’m not making this up! I read it, I reread it, I checked for satirical websites, and nope, it’s real! Well, a slight simplification for comedic effect, but you get the gist. The crypto world is officially crossing over into the ‘real’ world, and it’s brought its dog with it. Literally.
So, picture this: you’re a professor, you’ve dedicated your life to the intricate dance of Chaucerian linguistics or the socio-economic impact of Renaissance pottery. You’ve spent years honing your craft, writing grants, battling for meager funding. And then, one day, your grants are ‘eliminated’. By what, you ask? A shadowy government agency? A vengeful dean? No! By DOGE! Not some secret acronym, but Dogecoin! The coin with the dog meme! Can you imagine the tenure committee meeting? ‘Professor Higgins, your groundbreaking research into the existential angst of the common houseplant has been denied funding, effective immediately. We regret to inform you that a decentralized digital currency, featuring a Shiba Inu, has deemed your work… unprofitable.’
And then, a judge steps in! A FEDERAL judge! Not just any judge, but one who presumably had to Google ‘DOGE’ before making this monumental ruling. I bet their clerk had a field day explaining blockchain and memes to them. ‘Your Honor, it’s like a stock, but with a dog. And jokes. And it somehow controls the funding for Dr. Peterson’s research on medieval tavern songs.’ This is like finding out your local HOA is run by a collective of sentient Tamagotchis.
I mean, I love Dogecoin as much as the next person who dabbled in crypto for a hot minute and then promptly forgot their password. But I never imagined it would become a patron of the arts! Or, rather, an unlawful destroyer of the arts. Are we going to have Dogecoin-funded poetry slams? Ethereum-sponsored interpretive dance? Will NFTs replace tenure track positions? ‘Congratulations, Professor, your latest lecture series has been minted as an NFT, and if it sells well, you might get healthcare!’
This headline isn’t just news; it’s a prophecy. It’s the future where the lines between reality, memes, and finance are so blurred, we’re all just trying to explain why a dog in a spacesuit is dictating academic policy. I, for one, welcome our new Shiba Inu overlords, as long as they fund my research into the comedic timing of squirrels. To the moon, indeed!
💬 “Such culture! Much lawful!” — 💬 “But… our funding?”
Inspired by: Federal judge finds DOGE’s elimination of humanities grants “unlawful” – CBS News
