When your ‘secret’ project involves a lot of shinies.
What Happened
A C.I.A. officer was reportedly discovered with gold bars and accused of creating a fictitious spy program, raising questions about the unauthorized activities of intelligence personnel.
Our Take
Alright, so you’ve got a CIA officer, right? Living a double life. But it’s not the spy vs. spy kind of double life; it’s the ‘I’m an intelligence operative by day, and a… gold hoarder by night?’ kind of double life. And not just any gold, we’re talking GOLD BARS. Who even has gold bars?! Is this guy secretly Scrooge McDuck? Did he just swim in a vault of money and thought, ‘You know what this needs? More gold bars… and a fake spy program to explain it all!’?
I mean, ‘fake spy program’ is a pretty solid excuse. ‘Oh, these 50 pounds of pure gold? Yeah, that’s just… a prop. For the ‘Operation Golden Fleece’ program. Very hush-hush. Can’t tell you more, it’s classified. But rest assured, it’s for national security. We’re fighting… inflation! With actual gold!’
And the best part? He was FOUND WITH THEM. Like, was he just walking down the street, juggling gold bars? Did he try to pay for a coffee with a kilogram of pure gold? ‘Keep the change, barista, it’s for democracy!’
It makes you wonder what else is happening in the CIA. Is there a guy running a fake baking competition? ‘Operation Bake-Off Bravo, very important for… morale. Yes, morale. We need those cupcakes for intelligence gathering.’ Or a fake dog grooming business? ‘Operation Poodle Perfection, vital for international relations.’
This isn’t just a side hustle; this is a whole new level of ‘I need extra cash and also a really elaborate story to go with it.’ Forget Uber, forget Etsy. Just start a fake spy program, collect gold, and when you get caught, just shrug and say, ‘Hey, it worked for a while!’ I’m just picturing the interrogation: ‘Sir, where did you get these gold bars?’ ‘CLASSIFIED!’ ‘Sir, you’re not on assignment.’ ‘BUT THE PROGRAM! IT’S SO REAL IT’S FAKE!’
Honestly, I’m just impressed. The sheer audacity! The commitment to the bit! I bet his colleagues were like, ‘Gary seems a bit… shiny today. Did he get a new watch? Or is that the reflection off his clandestine gold hoard?’ What a legend. A very, very rich legend.
💬 “It’s for a ‘program’…”
Inspired by: C.I.A. Officer Found With Gold Bars Said to Have Created Fake Spy Program – The New York Times
