My bag’s credit score is better than mine.
What Happened
United Airlines is increasing its bag fees due to rising fuel costs, making it more expensive for travelers to check luggage. The airline is also introducing tiered premium fares, suggesting a more complex and potentially pricier fare structure for various amenities and seating options.
Our Take
Alright, folks, gather ’round, because if you’ve ever flown commercial, you know this pain. United Airlines, bless their bottom line, has decided that amidst rising fuel costs (which, let’s be honest, feels like a yearly ‘surprise’ at this point), they’re going to… *drumroll please*… raise their bag fees! Because what’s more American than paying extra for the privilege of bringing your underwear on vacation?
I mean, ‘rising fuel costs’? Is the plane now running on solid gold and unicorn tears? Because that’s the only explanation for why my carry-on, which used to be a free-range citizen of the sky, now needs a passport and a small loan to get on board. Soon, they’ll be charging you to breathe the recycled air. ‘Oxygen Fee: Premium Blend – $10. Basic Economy Nostril Air – $5.’
And let’s talk about ‘tiered premium fares.’ This isn’t a flight, it’s a social hierarchy at 30,000 feet! You want legroom? That’ll be an extra kidney. You want a seat that *doesn’t* vibrate like a washing machine full of bricks? Hand over your firstborn! Pretty soon, you’ll be booking ‘Standing Room Only’ tickets, and they’ll just strap you to the wing. ‘Don’t worry, the view is PREMIUM!’ they’ll say, as you battle hypothermia and gale-force winds.
It’s like they’re playing a game of ‘How much can we nickel and dime people before they just start swimming to their destinations?’ I bet the next thing is a ‘Pre-Boarding Snack Tax’ – you just *thought* about eating that granola bar before security, now you owe them a percentage of its nutritional value. Or a ‘Seatbelt Fastening Service Charge’ – because, apparently, we’re all too incompetent to click a buckle without professional assistance.
Seriously, I’m going to start wearing all my clothes to the airport. Layers, people, layers! I’ll look like the Michelin Man’s cousin who got lost in a Goodwill, but at least my wallet won’t be weeping. My suitcase will just be filled with air. Pure, free-range, un-taxed air. Though I’m sure they’ll figure out a way to charge for that too. ‘Atmospheric Displacement Fee: $75 per cubic foot of non-purchased air in luggage.’ This isn’t flying; it’s a financial extreme sport!
💬 “Is THIS the ‘personal item’?” — 💬 “It’s my SOUL!”
Inspired by: United Airlines raises bag fees amid rising fuel costs and introduces tiered premium fares – AP News
