My ‘vacation’ starts AFTER this line.
What Happened
Travelers across the U.S. are reportedly experiencing unprecedentedly long wait times at TSA security checkpoints, marking the longest delays in the agency’s history. This widespread issue is causing significant frustration and travel disruptions at airports nationwide.
Our Take
Alright, folks, gather ’round, because today we’re talking about a topic that unites us all in a shared, soul-crushing experience: the TSA. Specifically, the news that ‘Travelers are facing the longest TSA wait times in history.’ History, people! Not ‘since last Tuesday,’ not ‘since that time Aunt Mildred tried to bring a whole ham through security,’ but *history*.
I mean, forget about packing light, forget about getting to the airport two hours early. At this rate, you need to pack for a cross-country migration and book your flight for next year! My friend went to the airport last week. I asked him, ‘Where are you going?’ He said, ‘I don’t know yet, I’m just getting in line!’ He’s still there. I send him care packages. He’s built a small community, they’ve started a knitting circle, they’re developing a new form of currency based on lukewarm coffee and stale pretzels. They even have a mayor now!
Remember when ‘TSA PreCheck’ was a thing? It implied ‘pre-check.’ Now, it just means you get to experience the ‘longest wait times in history’ slightly before everyone else. It’s like being first in line for the Titanic. You get a better view of the iceberg, sure, but you’re still going down.
I saw a guy in line yesterday who had a full-on beard. I swear, he didn’t have it when he got there. He must have grown it in line. He was also teaching a small child to play chess. The child looked about three. The guy was explaining the Sicilian Defense. This kid is going to have a full college education by the time they get to Gate B12.
And the security theater! Oh, the security theater! They make you take off your shoes, your belt, your dignity. You walk through the scanner, and it’s like, ‘BEEP! Oh, it’s your left kidney. Too suspicious. You need to go back and remove your left kidney.’ Then they pat you down like you’re a lost pet they’re trying to identify. ‘Is this… a wallet? Or a highly sophisticated explosive device disguised as a photo of your grandma?’
Seriously, I’m starting to think the TSA isn’t trying to prevent terrorism, they’re trying to prevent travel altogether. ‘Why go to Cancun when you can spend three days in a sterile hallway with 500 of your closest strangers?’ It’s a new kind of staycation. ‘Just say no to exotic beaches, say yes to fluorescent lighting and questionable airport food!’
The next time I fly, I’m just going to send myself via UPS. It might be faster. And probably cheaper. Just make sure to mark the package ‘FRAGILE: Contains one very, very tired human being.’
💬 “Is this… Purgatory?” — 💬 “Just 27 more hours!”
Inspired by: Travelers are facing the longest TSA wait times in history – NPR
