My prayers are no longer answered by God, only my bank.
What Happened
A new trend sees luxurious Bibles, some costing as much as $400, gaining popularity. These high-end scriptures feature ornate designs and premium materials, marking a significant rise in the price of religious texts.
Our Take
Alright, gather ’round, folks, because the good news is, you can still find spiritual enlightenment. The bad news? It now comes with a payment plan and possibly an interest rate higher than your deepest regrets. We’re talking about $400 Bibles! Four hundred dollars! For a book that, last I checked, was supposed to teach us about giving all our worldly possessions away, not accumulating them. What next, a platinum-plated Ten Commandments tablet? ‘Thou shalt not covet… unless it’s the limited edition, diamond-encrusted scroll of Exodus, available exclusively at our premium spiritual boutique!’
I mean, forget ‘WWJD,’ now it’s ‘WWJC’ – What Will Jesus Charge? Are we going to start seeing ‘Holy Roller Banks’ on every corner, with ATMs dispensing leather-bound, gilt-edged scripture? Picture it: you’re trying to get your spiritual fix, you swipe your card, and the machine just glares at you with a ‘Insufficient Funds, Heathen!’ message. Meanwhile, some guy in a three-piece suit is walking out with a Bible so opulent, it probably has its own security detail and a tiny velvet throne to rest on.
This isn’t just a Bible anymore; it’s a status symbol. You walk into church, and instead of judging your hat, people are judging the thread count of your scripture. ‘Oh, you have the basic King James? Adorable. Mine has a built-in projector and a personal assistant to highlight key verses.’ Is it even a Bible if it doesn’t come with a complementary organic, fair-trade frankincense diffuser? I bet these Bibles have Wi-Fi. Probably even 5G, so your prayers can be delivered at lightning speed, directly to the heavenly data center. Because God definitely needs better connectivity.
And let’s be real, who’s buying these? Is it the person who already has three yachts and needs to diversify their portfolio of piety? Or perhaps the influencer who needs the perfect prop for their ‘Morning Devotion and Matcha Latte’ photoshoot? ‘Blessed and hydrated!’
I just hope these fancy Bibles come with an instruction manual on how to actually afford them. Maybe a chapter on ‘Budgeting for Righteousness’ or ‘Divine Investments for the Modern Believer.’ Because right now, my spiritual journey is looking less like a pilgrimage and more like I’ll be begging for spare change outside the ‘Holiness Hut’ to afford a paperback Gospel. I guess some people are just built different… or have a much, much fatter wallet. Amen to that… or maybe, ‘ka-ching!’ to that.
💬 “BUT IT’S MY SOUL!” — 💬 “CARD DECLINED, SINNER!”
Inspired by: $400 Bibles? Luxurious Scripture Is on the Rise. – The New York Times
